i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Randomize
