Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
