I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
He kissed a someone with a penis
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Randomize
