im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
There's even glitter on my cock...
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
