The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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