I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
