I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
