I accidentally had phone sex last night
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
