They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
