i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
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