a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
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