When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Randomize
