Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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