I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
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