It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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