you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Randomize
