There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
