I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Randomize
