You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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