Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Randomize
