WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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