Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
