i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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