My underwear smells like fireworks.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
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