decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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