my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Randomize
