Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
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