Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
