im having a threesome with these popsicles
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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