am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
