I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
