somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
