There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Randomize
