Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(727): View more from Florida

Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.

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(708): View more from Illinois

just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.

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(630): View more from Illinois

My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'

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(410): View more from Maryland

So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal

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(479): View more from Arkansas

Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.

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(586): View more from Michigan

He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.

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(785): View more from Kansas

Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan

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(760): View more from California

he just fucked me for my cheese..

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.

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