mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
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