i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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