i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
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Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
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