Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
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