i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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