the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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