You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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