I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Randomize
