you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Randomize
