can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
