If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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