so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
