Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Randomize
