I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
