Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
