Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
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You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
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Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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