The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
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The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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