Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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