My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
