Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
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Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Text me some of your sweat
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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